i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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