I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
