I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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