...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
