highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
