shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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