Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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