When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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