ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ğŸ˜ğŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam†written on my chest in frosting.
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