I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
