hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
