I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
