Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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