I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
