you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
