I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
