I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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