apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
