is your mom at the bar?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i believe in u and ur pee
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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