I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
