I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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