Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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