i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
