my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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