ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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