Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize