I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
