I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How drunk are you?
Completed.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize