Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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