you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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