She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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