i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
