and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
