Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
