I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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