Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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