What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
