so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
