So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
