the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
