I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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