After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
