counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
