Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
