so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize