A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
