I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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