woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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