my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
