I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
