Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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