If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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