I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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