You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize