why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
