I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
