Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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