As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
