and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
