I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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