Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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